A LETTER TO ELON MUSK (FROM MARS)
Do not ask how I got my hands on this. You would not believe me if I told you. But know this: It is very real, and extremely urgent. This is a letter from Mars, and it is addressed to Elon Musk. Please help me get this message to Elon by sharing it with your friends.
. . .
Dear Elon Musk,
this letter comes to you from the very real alien species that currently resides on the planet that you call Mars. We have been here a long time, on our own planet, watching you and your crew make a real mess of things down on Earth. This letter is being sent to introduce ourselves, The Martians, and to beg of you this one thing: PLEASE DO NOT COME HERE.
Mr. Musk, we totally get why you want to colonize Mars. It's as plain as day: You guys have screwed up your own planet beyond all recognition. You have killed off all manner of beautiful creatures, depleted your ozone layer, created nuclear waste that will last for eons, and filled your oceans with plastic, to name but a few of the myriad human-caused environmental atrocities. It has been one spectacular blunder after another. You have shown no respect whatsoever for the very paradise, Mother Earth, that gave you the miracle of life in the first place. Now things are getting so bad you are looking elsewhere, seeking a new planet, and hoping for a do-over. Well, Mr. Musk, forget it!
We do not want you here! So, please don't come. Consider Mars to be off-limits. Furthermore, please piss off!, completely, you Tony Stark wannabe. We have seen what Earthlings can do to a planet, and want no part of it. Thanks, but no thanks.
In exchange for not coming here, we will offer humans some advice, in good faith. Us Martians are way more advanced than humans, and we have something important we want to share. Please sit down for the following special delivery, Elon, My Boy, because this one is coming in hot...
Using our superior intellect we have looked far and wide for the best planet for humans to inhabit. We have concluded, without any doubt whatsoever, the optimal place for humans is: Earth! That's right, idiots. You can thrive best on the planet that created you in the first place. The very place you are treating like a piece of crap, and that you eagerly want to abandon, is actually your optimal environment. Weird how that works, huh?
So, Mr. Billionaire, how about this? Forget the rockets, and the space travel, and the terraforming. For a smart guy you seem to be missing the obvious. Instead of colonizing Mars, use your big brain and your big wallet to clean up Mother Earth! Make that your legacy. Geeze, you are there already; no rockets needed. Fix the ozone layer, clean the oceans, plant more trees, start helping other species instead of squeezing them out and killing them off, and pour some of your billions into figuring out better ways to re-use and recycle. In short: Clean up your own backyard, and for God's sake leave Mars alone!
It has come to my attention not everyone realizes "colonizing mars" is Elon Musk's primary objective. It is. He is not merely "playing in space" like the other billionaires, Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson. Musk has a multiplanetary goal in mind, which you can read about at www.spacex.com/human-spaceflight/mars.